Saying Goodbye
by Kathryn Rayner Of Voyager
Summary: Add-on to Retreat. Chakotay's POV.


Saying Goodbye

She was lying unconscious on the floor, still in her nightdress, her bed not slept in. She held a note addressed to me in one hand, a hypo in the other. She was barely breathing, her heart barely beating as I cradled her and called for a Transport to Sickbay.

My heart was in my throat, pounding in my ears as I lay her on the biobed, standing by her side and holding her hand tightly as the Doctor scanned her, tested her, gave her medication. He didn't push me away, working around me.

Time had stopped for me as I willed her to open her eyes, look up at me and smile. I barely hear the Doctor as he tells me that he has done all that he can for her right now, and now only time will tell whether or not she pulls through.

As his words sink in, my legs grow weak and I collapse into the chair the Doctor pushes behind me before he disappears into his office with his results, leaving me alone.

I look at the letter in my hand, and slowly tear it open, a tear slipping sown my face as I read her scrawling handwriting:

_Chakotay_, it reads. _I'm sorry, but I can't carry on like this any longer. There is no longer anyone to stand by my side and help me carry the burdens placed upon me when I was given command of Voyager, and those burdens have only grown heavier, until I can no longer carry them alone. You always told me that I was not alone, but I never really believed you, because I was never really not alone; I was always isolated, often in more ways than one. I guess I was always alone._

_But I know that you are strong enough to do what I cannot. You are the one that they trust and look up to, and they will follow you to the end of the universe and back, because you can do for them I cannot, and they respect you in every way. You can keep them safe, get them home, and be the best Captain that this ship can have. It is hard and lonely at the top, but with Seven by your side and a crew that will stand loyally behind you through anything and everything, you will achieve the impossible, because you have the love, perseverence, determination and courage to survive, explore and discover._

_Good luck, my loving friend, for you will prosper and grow as Captain. Take them home and keep them safe for me Chakotay, they are your crew now, and they will be happy and thrive under your command. I will try to be happy for you, because even when my heart is breaking, I know that you will be happier this way. I love you Chakotay, and I can't remember a time when I haven't, or life without you, but even I must let go of hope and say goodbye one day, because a Captain that has no hope, isn't a Captain at all._

_Good luck. Be happy. Kathryn._

The tears fall freely now as I re-read the letter, my heart shattering into a thousand pieces. She had suffered because I hadn't stayed by her side, and it had broken her spirit and crushed her heart. She had tried to move on when she had seen me try to move on, but she couldn't, and this was the only option she had seen she had left.

I lifted her hand and kissed her knuckles, stroking the back of her hand. The corner of her mouth twitched, and my heart jumped as it looked as though she was coming back to me, but there are no other signs to show me that she is starting to wake.

I do not know how long it sit there for, but the Doctor soon comes to tell me that I need to rest, and that if I wish, I can take tomorrow off to spend it at her side. I thank him, and wait until he returns to his office before I press a kiss to her lips.

"I'm sorry too, Kathryn, I didn't mean to cause you so much pain, but I couldn't wait by your side for a future I might never have. I didn't realise that by trying to move on, I would leave your side completely that you would see no other option but to disappear from my life. I _do_ love you, Kathryn, just remember that, and please get better for me, because I can't imagine life without you, either." I squeeze her hand, leave Sickbay, promising myself that I will visit her everyday for as long as it takes until she gets better.

I can't sleep, just lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, the words from Kathryn's letter swirling clumsily through my mind.

_. . . I guess I always was alone . . . with Seven by your side . . . and a crew that will stand loyally behind you through anything and everything . . . no longer anyone there to stand by my side and help me carry my burdens . . . they are your crew now . . . even I must let go of hope and say goodbye one day . . . for a Captain that has no hope, isn't a Captain at all . . . I love you Chakotay . . . I can't remember a time when I haven't . . ._

I throw back the covers and pulled on some clothes. I stumbled down the corridors and ordered the turbolift to Sickbay. I slump into the chair by Kathryn's bed, and with my head resting on her shoulder, I finally manage to drift into a troubled sleep.

She's having a nightmare, her head rolling from side to side, frowning, her hands clenching and unclenching, mumbling, her voice distressed and upset, the words inaudible. It wakes me, but I know what to do. When her hand unclenches, I slip mine into her, and as her hand closes around mine, she seems to get more and more distressed.

I take my hand back, and she calms slightly. I watch her until the nightmare seems to pass, and she falls into unconscious unawareness.

I rest my head back on her shoulder. "You're not alone, Kathryn. I never really left your side, and it was me that lost hope. You are the strong one, not me. You're the one that leads this crew, not me, and they look up to and respect you more than they do me. I can't lead this crew like you can, I can't command this crew. You're their Captain, and you have so much more love and determination than anyone else on board. The crew follows you as loyally as they would follow me, because you are the one who gave them the chance to go beyond their wildest dreams. You have given them a family, a chance to meet new species and make new friends, you rescued people that would not have survived if you hadn't. And I want to have you by my side, not Seven."

Over the next few days a pattern began to form as the parts of the news filter across the ship, and after three weeks, the Doctor called me from the Bridge to Sickbay. He nods to her through the windows around his office and deactivates himself.

She's curled up on her side, her arms partially hiding her face, her eyes screwed tightly and her bottom lip trembling as tears streamed down her face. I touched her elbow lightly and she immediately pulled away.

"Please . . . just leave me alone," she sobbed.

"Kathryn . . ."

"_Please_, Chakotay."

I sit on the edge of the biobed. "I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me." She curled up tighter, turning her face into the pillow, avoiding his gaze. She doesn't say anything, but when I put my hand on her waist, she doesn't pull away.

After ten minutes that seem to take an age to pass, she rubs her eyes with the ends of her sleeves and looks up at me, her eyes wide and scared, like a trapped and cornered animal that knows the fate that is waiting for it, her arms hiding most of her face in shsadow. It is almost like she is scared of me, afraid of how I might react to anything she said.

"What you said . . . Did you mean it?" she asked softly, uncertain and weary in her words.

I take one of her hands and gently squeeze it, understanding her need to know how far her trust in me can go. "Would I ever tell you something that I didn't mean?" she doesn't answer straight away, instead pushing herself up and shifting until she curls up in my arms. "What happened?" I push gently. She starts to cry, staring down at the floor.

"Everything seemed to be goiing wrong," she manages, her voice cracked. "And I didn't know what to do!" She buried her face in her hands. I let her cry for a little bit before I gently press for her to go on. "We were always under attack, and I kept messing up. Away missions kept going wrong, and everyone was disagreeing with me. I kept making all the wrong decisions and everyone suffered because of my mistakes." She chocked and clung to me, sobbing harder, her voice cracking. "I didn't know what to do! I couldn't cope, it was just too much!"

I stroked her hair. "It's okay, I'm here to help you. If you couldn't cope, you should've just said and I would've come and helped you. Tuvok would've helped you. B'Elanna would've helped you. Seven would've helped you. Anyone would've helped you."

"Seven hates me."

"No, she does not. She looks up to you."

"That's because I was the Captain."

"Are. You still are the Captain. And its not just because of that. She's always saying just how much of a role-model you are for her."

She looks surprised and a little bit shocked. "Really?"

"Uh-huh."

"You really think that I could still be the Captain?"

"Uh-huh."

"But . . . How? And why?"

"Because you're a great Captain. You're strong, pretty, helpful, caring, gentle, intelligent and one of the most peaceful people I know. The crew would stand behind you through anything, you should know that, and there are tons of people who would happily spare their time if you needed someone to talk to. You just have to want it. And I'll be there to help you get this crew home and make sure you do as you're told, young lady, so don't ever tell me that you're alone and that is no one there to stand by your side and ease your burdens!"

She giggled through her tears, but her face fell. "What about Seven?"

"Everything is okay between us, we're just friends though now. I think she's crushing on the Doctor anyway." She laughed openly and I wipe away her tears. She cuddles up to me and we talk until she falls asleep in my arms. She's happy and content, smiling in her sleep.

I'm happy too.


End file.
